I had to share this. I just had to. I think you’ll understand why.
Yesterday I went to the doctor, again, but it was completely unrelated to what has been ailing me since January. Over the last three weeks, I have been suffering with some pain in/under my left armpit and yesterday, I began to experience numbing and tingling in my left arm and hand, so you can imagine what was going through my head, especially after google searching “left arm pain and tingling.”
**NOTE TO SELF: STAY OFF THE INTERNET AND AVOID SELF-DIAGNOSIS!!!!
While I hesitated to go to the ER (I have ZERO faith in our local ER) I decided in the last second to head to the walk-in clinic, instead, which was right around the corner. I felt confident in my decision and in the end, it was the right one and it saved me $130, possibly more! And in the end, it was fine. I saw a really great, kind and understanding doctor. (Those are few and far between.) And long story short, everything is OK. For now. But over the last several months, I’ve been to the doctor more than I ever have. They are still trying to sort out exactly what is going on with me internally. I’m a medical enigma at the moment. My doctors are perplexed, as I am passing all of my tests, and my labs and scans are coming back normal, with little abnormalities, and so for that, I’m eternally grateful, but I still don’t know what it is making me feel so bad on the inside. And any little thing (ailment) that pops up in the meantime is magnified, because I can only wonder is it coincidence or is it related to what’s going on with me already? I just don’t know? So the panic sets in.
As a result of everything, I’ve been reflecting a lot lately.
What’s it all mean? (The big question, right?!)
Since having children, I’ve thought more about my mortality than ever before. Having young children, I fear death greatly. I know that we will all die one day, but just like almost every living person on this planet, I’m not ready. I’m not done. I want to be here, in this life, to see my girls grow up and have families of their own. I want to be here, for them, through everything and anything that life throws their way, because they NEED me and I NEED them. I am in constant prayer to keep them safe. I so desperately want to grow old with the man that I married and get wrinkly, gray and ornery with him and only him! I am in constant prayer to keep him safe, too. I can see our future. I can! My most beloved treasure, here on this earth, is my husband and my children. And my utmost need, in this life, is to be here with my family, to love and be loved. It’s all that matters, really. And because I am a firm believer that your greatest desire will come to be, so long as it is in line with His greater plan, I am confident that I will be here, for a long, long time. I pray for this, too. It’s just that the doubt creeps in and takes hold. It’s a strong grip sometimes.
My hope and faith is important, no doubts there, it just doesn’t change that fact that we really have no way of knowing what our life will bring each day or if we are even promised tomorrow. I can only hope and believe it to be so. I can only hope and believe that it all aligns with His grander plan for me. And for my family.
I left the doctor yesterday, somewhat relieved, but still scared. I know that may seem silly, since my appointment was overall, reassuring. I was not having a heart attack! I just can’t help how I feel, you know? And feeling crappy, physically, hasn’t exactly helped with the mental or emotional components. They all have to work together to fight the fear. FEAR. Fear really has beaten me down these last few months, if I’m being completely transparent here. It dwells within me, nonstop. It consumes me, when it shouldn’t. I have faith, I believe, but fear trumps that sometimes and I don’t know why?
As I was driving home, trying to pep talk myself into just believing that I WILL GET THROUGH THIS, even after hearing yet another doctor tell me, it’ll be ok… I doubted. DOUBT is the worst thing, ever!!! (Worse than cilantro!)
Then a song came on the radio. I was driving my husband’s car and he has his radio set to WAY FM (a local Christian radio station) and this song that I had never heard before played… and it was beautiful. And I felt every line was being sung directly to me, in that moment, like a loved one that was simply trying to calm, reassure and encourage me. And as a person that is (and was) fearing haunting, paralyzing thoughts of mortality, to hear the line, the song lyric: “Because your story’s far from over and your journey’s just begun” meant more to me in that moment than 4 doctors’ continued reassurance. Truly.
I bawled the whole way home. Tears were just flooding my face and I could barely see straight. You see, days leading up to yesterday, I’ve prayed a lot, apologizing to God, for my lack of faith. For not trusting Him, completely. I mean, I do, trust Him, but I’m also human. I worry with the best of them. But despite the fear, I really do continue to give daily praise and thanks, despite feeling like my world is falling apart at times, because really, I’m here. I’m alive. And THAT is exactly where and what I want to be! I already have that. So why the blubbering?! If only it were that easy. As a result, there’s been a lot of self evaluation going on, too, which is good.
When I got home last night, I was telling my husband about the song, but I forgot to look it up online, because my night was cut short. I was struck by such a severe panic attack. I was convinced I was having a heart attack, based on my earlier symptoms and the new ones that came upon me so suddenly after returning home. My husband was so wonderful and understanding, trying to calm me with his mere presence and touch. He just listened and responded as needed. I was a crazy lady, lost in crazy thoughts. So much so, that I was afraid to go to sleep, worried that I would not wake up.
We talked about life. God. Heaven. My fears. Worst case scenario for me and our family. It was all very stressful, and very scary, but my husband felt it was necessary. And it was. Peace can rise from fear.
I eventually fell asleep. And today, I feel alright. I’m taking some meds for the pain in my arm, which was diagnosed as a pinched nerve of some sort. (The doctor used a fancy medical term, but I’ll just call it a pinched nerve.) Stress and fear does some gnarly things to your body. I’m living proof. Just trying to breathe easy and stay grounded, today.
This afternoon, I finally had a moment and looked up the song that I heard yesterday in the car. I didn’t know who sang it or even the title. I simply did a google search for the line that stuck with me: “Because your story’s far from over and your journey’s just begun” and I found it.
It’s called, “Tell your heart to beat again” and it is sung by Danny Gokey, whom I loved and watched on American Idol several years ago.
I clicked on the first link that I saw and there was a video of Danny telling the story BEHIND the song. Ahhhh, so much more beautiful than I could have imagined and so perfect, for the moment. Everything has been like this lately. *Signs. Little signs, out of the blue, when I need them most. And I joked with my husband that it’s God telling me to cut the crap, because He really has given me ample “signs” that everything is going to be alright, yet I still doubt.
I really need to cut the crap. And cut the doubt. I do. I know this.
I shared a lot here, my thoughts were a bit all over the place, but it was important for me to get it all out. Writing has always been therapeutic and cathartic for me. And if you read this far, the main thing I want you to take away is: 1) watch the video in the attached link below and listen to Danny’s story 2) listen to the song that completely touched my heart and blew me away yesterday, and 3) BELIEVE, because HE is with us all. Always. He is seeking you, so seek Him, too!
Oh, and another *sign… TODAY…my April 15th Jesus Calling devotional read (among other poignant and speakable truths) “Say yes to the ways I work in your life. Trust Me and do not be afraid.”
Just cut the crap, Jenny… CUT. THE. CRAP!
I BELIEVE that my story is far from over and my journey has just begun.
Here’s the link to the video: Tell Your Heart To Beat Again by Danny Gokey